Some of what is on my mind

It's apparently been two months since I have written. Part of me feels guilty, but then part of me remembers that it's hard to know what to put here or to just write it in my journal, because I don't know what's too personal.

I was about to post in November, but I never did. Deleted it is.

Here I am eating peanut butter and saltines...for some reason I just haven't gotten tired of those yet. I buy too much food, and just tonight at Bible study, I confessed to buying more food than I probably need and not being in search of what I can do to give to those who don't have much at all. At the same time I would love to help those in need, my flesh wants to be afraid of not nourishing my body and resorting to buying ramen noodles and peanut butter with stuff other than peanuts and salt in it. But it's that fear that I want to give up to God, knowing that He knows how I can stay healthy yet buy less food, blessing others instead. It's an irrational fear.

My family and I are going to Arkansas for Christmas and this makes me pretty happy. I haven't seen a few of these people in quite a long time, especially the ones that live in Iowa. I'm happy that my mom is happy, too, to get to see all four of her siblings along with my grandparents. And then I will be staying until December 31st and going that day to New Life Ranch for Live Out Loud through Spirit and Truth International until January 3rd. It is hard to be excited when I really don't know what to expect, except for what Hannah has told me. I guess I'm trying not get my hopes up, but why shouldn't I hope for the best? Honestly, God's going to be there and it will be centered on knowing Him more so there is reason to be expectant!

I told my mom that I have been trying to stay excited for my birthday, yet I think "it's just another day" because I don't want to get all excited and then be disappointed. But I know I will have a great day if I choose to have a great day, you know? And there's something fun about turning 21, even though I won't be celebrating it the same way a lot of people do.
I am trying so hard to be optimistic because I HATE being pessimistic. It not only brings myself down, but others around me because they can't see that maybe it's possible to look at the bright side of things more often than not. I choose to optimistic and joyful!

I have a friend who once told me, "If I feel rebellious, I will rebel against Satan, not against God". I will always remember that.

I realized that I am willing to pay hundreds of dollars to go to a gathering of Christians, yet I am not willing to pay that money to go see someone in Nevada who I dearly miss talking to and haven't seen in two years. I want to see her so I'm praying that there will be that opportunity and I'll take it. I can't go this break because I'm working the two weeks I will be in Carlsbad, but maybe during Spring Break.

I had a good Thanksgiving break and learned even more about doing my homework now rather than later. And taking fewer trips to grocery shop and not to judge people for watching so much TV (even though I despise it). I am so thankful for healthy feet and ankles. I'm waiting for mine to heal from winter hurts and half-marathon sores. I miss walking a lot...even being out in the cold at 7:30 in the morning with shorts on...haha. It is already Wednesday tomorow...every day is good, but I'm still looking forward to the end of next week!