Oh, Monday

I don't know what to think right now. My mind wants it to be the end of testing, it keeps going between relaxed and worried and I really don't like it. It's so hard to trust right now that taking my suitemate and her boyfriend to WalMart and Pizza Hut tonight was "good enough" for God. I kept thinking I had to do something or say something that would make the night "good enough" in God's sight. But honestly, I'm not seeing it in the right light.

Something tells me I did fine, but my natural tendency is to say that I did an awful job of being a witness. Then I have to believe that with time, I will overcome the tendency to think I'm not standing up to some high expectations. I felt attacked today. I felt like I wasn't praying enough, like a failure for not living in the moment, and just not loving. I'm tired of having such high expectations of myself, but I'm afraid of letting go of them for fear of not seeking after God! And yet God probably has better motivations for me to be the best I can be than what I have for myself right now.

It's okay that I'm a bit stressed out because of Finals, because I know I've gained a lot of progress from the way I would have seen Finals week a year ago, you know? I'm not going to be mad at myself for showing that I'm stressed. I'm just going to trust that I will learn how to handle things with the best attitude and outlook.

Today I felt like a jerk to people. What is in my heart may not come out as mean when I speak, but it matters that I see my heart still needs work. I'm thankful God knows what it looks like and still loves me the way I am. It still hurts though, not knowing how long it will be until I won't be so irritable towards people. I choose to focus on positive things about people, like my friend Hannah tells me she does.

I will praise God now, praise Him tomorrow while I'm taking my Spanish test, while I'm researching for my Math project, and while I'm working on my two take home Math finals. He deserves it and I will try to take joy in that rather than worrying about stuff. But it's just as difficult for me to not worry about upcoming and possible conversations with people. Why am I making it so hard and being so analytical? Hehe, that's the way I am, that's why. When I write this, I realize I need to focus on the good things of life, even though it seems stupid at first, I refuse to give in to negativity and complaint. I'm wanting change, God, but when will it come and am I seeking hard enough after it? Please show me how to rest in knowing it will come.