Back home

I am glad to be home in Carlsbad and just be able to relax. I have to try to relax, though, but it's not so hard anymore :) I got to go play tennis with my sister, Cara, and I loved seeing her laugh and just be able to goof around with her. And I still am able to run for the ball and hit it to the other side of the net! That felt so good to know I still have it in me to keep my feet moving and I automatically hold the racket right...makes me happy. Hehe...and I still stink at backhands, it's kind of like I can't quite get the ball to match up with my racket. Well, I guess it would be the other way around, wouldn't it?

I want to make waffles for breakfast tomorrow. I looked at recepies and they just sound really good with peanut butter and syrup. Mmmm. I've been eating more sugar than usual lately. But thankfully God keeps reminding me that I can find some way to exercise that won't involve hurting my ankle that much because I miss walking. The weather was beautiful today!

My mom and I are headed to a Christmas pageant at the church tonight. Our breath may smell like salmon because that is exactly what we had for dinner and it was delicious. Am I allowed to be happy about my birthday but not be selfish about it? I believe I can be, it's just kind of hard, but I'm glad God knows my heart better than I do. Oh man, He makes me happy!

Final grades...I think I'll be able to take it if I see a C for both my math classes. I honestly don't think it will be that bad, but I like to prepare myself for the worst. I'm so thankful that I got through this past week with less stress than I could have had!

Oh, Monday

I don't know what to think right now. My mind wants it to be the end of testing, it keeps going between relaxed and worried and I really don't like it. It's so hard to trust right now that taking my suitemate and her boyfriend to WalMart and Pizza Hut tonight was "good enough" for God. I kept thinking I had to do something or say something that would make the night "good enough" in God's sight. But honestly, I'm not seeing it in the right light.

Something tells me I did fine, but my natural tendency is to say that I did an awful job of being a witness. Then I have to believe that with time, I will overcome the tendency to think I'm not standing up to some high expectations. I felt attacked today. I felt like I wasn't praying enough, like a failure for not living in the moment, and just not loving. I'm tired of having such high expectations of myself, but I'm afraid of letting go of them for fear of not seeking after God! And yet God probably has better motivations for me to be the best I can be than what I have for myself right now.

It's okay that I'm a bit stressed out because of Finals, because I know I've gained a lot of progress from the way I would have seen Finals week a year ago, you know? I'm not going to be mad at myself for showing that I'm stressed. I'm just going to trust that I will learn how to handle things with the best attitude and outlook.

Today I felt like a jerk to people. What is in my heart may not come out as mean when I speak, but it matters that I see my heart still needs work. I'm thankful God knows what it looks like and still loves me the way I am. It still hurts though, not knowing how long it will be until I won't be so irritable towards people. I choose to focus on positive things about people, like my friend Hannah tells me she does.

I will praise God now, praise Him tomorrow while I'm taking my Spanish test, while I'm researching for my Math project, and while I'm working on my two take home Math finals. He deserves it and I will try to take joy in that rather than worrying about stuff. But it's just as difficult for me to not worry about upcoming and possible conversations with people. Why am I making it so hard and being so analytical? Hehe, that's the way I am, that's why. When I write this, I realize I need to focus on the good things of life, even though it seems stupid at first, I refuse to give in to negativity and complaint. I'm wanting change, God, but when will it come and am I seeking hard enough after it? Please show me how to rest in knowing it will come.

Some of what is on my mind

It's apparently been two months since I have written. Part of me feels guilty, but then part of me remembers that it's hard to know what to put here or to just write it in my journal, because I don't know what's too personal.

I was about to post in November, but I never did. Deleted it is.

Here I am eating peanut butter and saltines...for some reason I just haven't gotten tired of those yet. I buy too much food, and just tonight at Bible study, I confessed to buying more food than I probably need and not being in search of what I can do to give to those who don't have much at all. At the same time I would love to help those in need, my flesh wants to be afraid of not nourishing my body and resorting to buying ramen noodles and peanut butter with stuff other than peanuts and salt in it. But it's that fear that I want to give up to God, knowing that He knows how I can stay healthy yet buy less food, blessing others instead. It's an irrational fear.

My family and I are going to Arkansas for Christmas and this makes me pretty happy. I haven't seen a few of these people in quite a long time, especially the ones that live in Iowa. I'm happy that my mom is happy, too, to get to see all four of her siblings along with my grandparents. And then I will be staying until December 31st and going that day to New Life Ranch for Live Out Loud through Spirit and Truth International until January 3rd. It is hard to be excited when I really don't know what to expect, except for what Hannah has told me. I guess I'm trying not get my hopes up, but why shouldn't I hope for the best? Honestly, God's going to be there and it will be centered on knowing Him more so there is reason to be expectant!

I told my mom that I have been trying to stay excited for my birthday, yet I think "it's just another day" because I don't want to get all excited and then be disappointed. But I know I will have a great day if I choose to have a great day, you know? And there's something fun about turning 21, even though I won't be celebrating it the same way a lot of people do.
I am trying so hard to be optimistic because I HATE being pessimistic. It not only brings myself down, but others around me because they can't see that maybe it's possible to look at the bright side of things more often than not. I choose to optimistic and joyful!

I have a friend who once told me, "If I feel rebellious, I will rebel against Satan, not against God". I will always remember that.

I realized that I am willing to pay hundreds of dollars to go to a gathering of Christians, yet I am not willing to pay that money to go see someone in Nevada who I dearly miss talking to and haven't seen in two years. I want to see her so I'm praying that there will be that opportunity and I'll take it. I can't go this break because I'm working the two weeks I will be in Carlsbad, but maybe during Spring Break.

I had a good Thanksgiving break and learned even more about doing my homework now rather than later. And taking fewer trips to grocery shop and not to judge people for watching so much TV (even though I despise it). I am so thankful for healthy feet and ankles. I'm waiting for mine to heal from winter hurts and half-marathon sores. I miss walking a lot...even being out in the cold at 7:30 in the morning with shorts on...haha. It is already Wednesday tomorow...every day is good, but I'm still looking forward to the end of next week!

Salsa!

I spilled Pace Picante Chunky Salsa today...redness and glass everywhere next to the back entrance to Monagle. Plastic bags with holes aren't supposed to be used for carrying that break :P. Praise God that I didn't see it as an awful thing that would ruin my whole day...seriously. I thank Him for teaching me to keep my calm in what could be stressful situations. I am also glad I have a bleach pen from two years ago...it helped make my tennis shoes white again :)

My grandparents from Albuquerque will be in town tomorrow as will my sister and possibly my dad. And I'll get to see my two cousins of whom I have only seen once this whole semester...they go to NMSU, too, though. I was about to say that we're just not good communicators in this family of ours, but that can be changed and it should not be my excuse for not communicating better with the family members.

Bible study went well last night...I got a little bit tired of talking about the topic of why we believe what we believe, not having answers, and wondering if everyone else there was interested in the conversation as well. But afterwards, Hannah and I found the verse in 1 Peter that says we should be prepared to give an answer to anyone who asks why we have the hope we have. This kind of woke me up a little and since it's in the Bible, it's a command from God. So we are told to know the reason why we believe in Christ and that He is the only way to live the life we're meant to live. In fact, I'm really looking forward to understanding more about why I live for Christ. So, although I don't like thinking about the questions I have going through my mind, I hope I will learn to ask questions and search for the answers, not just wonder what the answers are. And if anyone reads this, please pray for the guy who brought up a lot of the deep questions about what we believe, because he is searching for truth and I am excited to hear of (or be there for) when he places his faith in Christ!

Avocados are very yummy. So is canned chicken, since I can't possibly, ETHICALLY cook chicken in my dorm. I choose to live in the dorm, so I choose not to have a hot plate. And I've been doing wonderfully without it!
So, I get to walk 5 miles tomorrow morning! Don't know what time I'm getting up, but it'll be before 7:00 when it's actually cold outside. I better get dinner stuff cleaned up before I go to CRU. And dance choreography takes more time than you would think. I hope I didn't park in a non-residential parking lot last night :S...haha. I'm probably not going to be laughing if I did.

Candy Corn and Races

I don't know why, but I really like candy corn. This is strange, considering it's pure sugar and all I ever buy that's close to being candy is deeply dark chocolate. Like chocolate that has the first ingredient of chocolate, not sugar or anything else. I like the chocolate caramel candy corn that I bought at Target last week "for the Bible study" better...hehe. Someone needs to get the leftovers out of my room because I don't like it sitting there looking yummy all of the time. And I made tapioca for the first time last night. I'm excited, because I had forgotten that I like that stuff, too.

I've been a little bit behind on updating, even though I've thought about it plenty of times. The last fellowship/Bible study went well. The Lord led the time and gave me the words to say...I shared last week on the work God is doing in each of our lives and how to rest and have peace in knowing that. After the fact, I had a hard time not picking out every mistake that I thought I might have made along with what I forgot to say. I tend to do that after every conversation with someone, but thank God, I have gotten better at just trusting that the Holy Spirit will show me my sins...I don't have to go looking for them, in a sense.

I got to see my family over this past weekend. It was fun to drive to El Paso to see my sister Motocross race...she did a good job of riding even when she fell once. Now, I got to see my sister, Allison fly in from CA (she's in the Navy) and I hadn't seen her since last November. That was good to see her and I'll get to see her on Friday before she heads back. It's easier to be around her now that I'm learning not to compare myself to other people, because I always seem to be doing so around her. And now I know I think monster truck rallies are pointless. It's hard to like a sport like motocross racing knowing that there's so much exhaust going everywhere while also wondering if your ear drums are being damaged more and more every time you go to each race. Haha...it was good to get more sleep than usual this weekend...I took some naps.

And Barnes and Noble closes at 7PM on Sundays, just so anyone wants to know if they can go study there at night :P. I should probably get to my books now, come to think of it. I have to say I'm very excited for Vince and Holly and Israel!

Praises to our King!

Our Bible study went wonderfully! Or at least it seemed like it went smoothly and I pray that those (two girls and a guy) who came left feeling encouraged and their minds renewed in the Word.
Thank you for praying for tonight! Honestly, I was not excited at first, but then when three people showed up, I got a little bit excited. I need to learn how to be excited! Haha...it sounds kind of funny, but it's true. I'm so glad Hannah was excited and she had a lesson planned :). She is so encouraging to me, even if she doesn't mean to be. I know God was behind all of this, which is awesome because then we can't say we did anything amazing, but it was Him and He can do the same (or much greater) next week! Cool.
Now I'm looking forward to High Country Adventure this weekend, but I don't know what to do about the fact that I'm going to be pretty cold there. Eh, it'll be okay.
I am getting quite a bit excited about my sister, Allison, coming down from her California place to visit for a while in a week and a half! And besides that I get to see my other family members...we'll all be together for the first time in about a year. Will the sisters fight? I don't think so.
Thanks again for the prayers! If you can, please pray for next week, too.

A bit of my week

I wanted to blog earlier on in the week when I lost my keys on Sunday. I wanted prayer, but didn't really ask for it from anyone. I don't know what the point of losing my keys was, but I realized that my money that I've saved up could disappear pretty quickly. That and I really enjoy having a car! Haha...yeah, I'm thankful for spare keys sent from my mom...and I have my new set of keys and a new lock on my door.

Now I'm just a little sad that my keychains are gone because I really liked the one my sister, Cara, made me that had my name on it out of leather...it always reminded me of her. And my San Diego shorts, my "I'm not weird, I'm gifted" keychain. But I really should stop talking about it because I'm good with the fact that they could be gone forever. Talking about it is just making it seem like I'm more upset than I am. Praise God for my spare key that came in the mail yesterday! Because...

I got to take my suitemate and her boyfriend to Taco Bell yesterday...and my suitemate is so funny about that place ... she LOVES Taco Bell and so she got like A LOT of tacos. Especially considering she's shorter and smaller than I am. I enjoy talking to them...please pray for my relationship with the both of them (as well as my other suitemate, Jessica) because I really do not know how to show them that Jesus is all they need, not extra spirits and gods to pray to. They came to CRU and they enjoyed it and want to come to HCA but they are hesitant on the "budget" side of things.

Thursday was a long, interesting, day. It started out feeling really strange but that stopped when I got far enough into my Dance Aerobics class...we ran across the room I don't know how many times...whew! That's when you learn that you really can push yourself farther than you think when it comes to exercise. And actually, that concept has drifted into my homework, too! I will try not to do my homework in my room anymore because I realized I can get so much more done in Zuhl, where my bed is NOT and my computer and other books are NOT. The rest of my Thursday was me dealing with being awkward and just leaving things up to God.

I feel overwhelmed with the thought of how much homework I have to do and all of the people I need/want to call this weekend. I let it all pile up, so now I'm not sure where to start. I guess I should just start with something and know that God will show me what to do next.

I wanted to put this picture in here, because I think it's funny and I love my friends who did it to me. :P















I believe the year is '96 or '98. Thanks to Holli Pope...gosh.

So anyways, I'm going to get off of here and sometime today I'm going to go on a 4 mile walk. I'm going to start training for the half-marathon at the end of October. I just don't know where to walk so that I don't have to be around traffic the entire time. Maybe I'll just use the treadmill if all else fails.

Chocolate and conversations

I have yet to ask my suitemates if they would like to go eat out sometime and I think it's affecting me more than I thought it would. I have to trust that the time with them will be blessed.

I had a Starbucks Vivanno chocolate banana smoothie last night because I didn't eat a whole lot of dinner and I needed something sweet but somewhat healthy. And oh my goodness, that thing was wonderful for the time being! Good stuff. And I used a giftcard for it, so I didn't even have to spend money on it! Praise Jesus for college-age church gifts :)

It was fun watching people slip and slide today...I don't like those things, but people were funny to watch. Oh, and spending time with a friend from CRU at International Delights today was a blessing. Gyros are greasy and hummus with pita bread is yummy. And I want their desserts and some dark chocolate.

I bought the book, "Changes that Heal", (with yet another gift card...I make me gift cards last a long time and I'm glad these don't expire...I've seriously had the one I just used for about a year and a half). I still need to finish another book that I am about 10 pages from finishing. I do the same thing my mom does, start one book, and then get others and start those and maybe finish them, and then get some more on top of those, etc. I don't beat myself up about it anymore though, because if I don't finish a book or never read one that I've wanted to read, it won't be a loss to me after I die. Yay for eternal perspective!

My friend, Hannah, and I are planning on starting a Bible study soon, and we got together yesterday to pray about it and just catch up on how things are going in our lives. It was a great time and since she was so excited, I got pretty excited, too. I guess I had been doubting that it would be followed through for some reason. Probably because I don't know what to expect with this Bible study and the unkown factors in all sorts of areas intrigues me because I get to see what God will do. Yet at the same time, I feel like backing away for fear of not inputting every idea I have and possibly discarding some of my ideas, whether small or big, for various reasons. I do realize that because Hannah and I are doing something for God's kingdom, we will be attacked, and we will be ready and fight back as we give it all to God. I need to ask for prayer for both me and Hannah. It seems like it isn't real because we haven't started yet, but I know once we start, I just want to give it all to God, not worry about it, remembering that I'm not the source of the goodness that will come from the fellowship time. And it's really funny thinking that both Hannah and I don't even remember how we met...just sometime during freshman year. I love it :)

Thursday, I met a guy, Ben, in the library, and it was cool to just chat. I enjoy asking questions that make people think, because I like it when people ask me questions that make me think....well, the questions that make me see the truth in something that I had never seen before. I also started out this Thursday with a great conversation during my walking class at 7:30 AM (feels great outside!) with a new friend of mine, we'll call her Lynn. And praise God for His changes in me, because I like that without even trying hard, I brought in the topic of church and it just went off of that. I asked her questions, listened to her, and I really liked it when she said "I haven't thought about this stuff in a long time"...and I would not have had that conversation and enjoyed it had it been for the peace the Lord gave me and the patience He has taught me to have. I just hope and I will trust that God will continue to work in our relationship. She's also in my another PE class I have, but you don't have much time at all to speak words in that class...always moving and remembering to breathe! It feels good to breathe, hehe.

Whoa, I need to get to sleep. This brings back memories of being on the computer too long...haha.

The beginning of blogs

I used to have a blog somewhere else quite a few years ago and I quit for various reasons. It's probably out there floating around somewhere...haha.
Now that I don't see things the same way anymore, I felt like I should start up a new blog and know that I don't have to update every day, state every detail of the day (like what time I got up, what I ate for a snack, etc.) and then feel stupid for doing so.
I'm really glad there are no classes today, but that also means I have failed to do much homework the past two days. I'm going to go enjoy doing my math. Don't think I'm being sarcastic...once I start my math, an hour and a half has gone by without me noticing and my frustration level hasn't gone up terribly much. :) Well, I can't say that at the present because my math classes are getting to me a bit since I haven't gone to my professor to understand the materials (it would really help me, but it's always been a difficulty for some reason to go and get help from someone else). I can't make it through this year or next year without asking for help...professors are there to help, or at least they should be. I'm thankful I learned my lesson last year in my first 400 level class and not this year, with two of them!
Praise God for the peace and joy that our Savior died for us to have through trusting in Him.