I am glad to be home in Carlsbad and just be able to relax. I have to try to relax, though, but it's not so hard anymore :) I got to go play tennis with my sister, Cara, and I loved seeing her laugh and just be able to goof around with her. And I still am able to run for the ball and hit it to the other side of the net! That felt so good to know I still have it in me to keep my feet moving and I automatically hold the racket right...makes me happy. Hehe...and I still stink at backhands, it's kind of like I can't quite get the ball to match up with my racket. Well, I guess it would be the other way around, wouldn't it?
I want to make waffles for breakfast tomorrow. I looked at recepies and they just sound really good with peanut butter and syrup. Mmmm. I've been eating more sugar than usual lately. But thankfully God keeps reminding me that I can find some way to exercise that won't involve hurting my ankle that much because I miss walking. The weather was beautiful today!
My mom and I are headed to a Christmas pageant at the church tonight. Our breath may smell like salmon because that is exactly what we had for dinner and it was delicious. Am I allowed to be happy about my birthday but not be selfish about it? I believe I can be, it's just kind of hard, but I'm glad God knows my heart better than I do. Oh man, He makes me happy!
Final grades...I think I'll be able to take it if I see a C for both my math classes. I honestly don't think it will be that bad, but I like to prepare myself for the worst. I'm so thankful that I got through this past week with less stress than I could have had!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Oh, Monday
I don't know what to think right now. My mind wants it to be the end of testing, it keeps going between relaxed and worried and I really don't like it. It's so hard to trust right now that taking my suitemate and her boyfriend to WalMart and Pizza Hut tonight was "good enough" for God. I kept thinking I had to do something or say something that would make the night "good enough" in God's sight. But honestly, I'm not seeing it in the right light.
Something tells me I did fine, but my natural tendency is to say that I did an awful job of being a witness. Then I have to believe that with time, I will overcome the tendency to think I'm not standing up to some high expectations. I felt attacked today. I felt like I wasn't praying enough, like a failure for not living in the moment, and just not loving. I'm tired of having such high expectations of myself, but I'm afraid of letting go of them for fear of not seeking after God! And yet God probably has better motivations for me to be the best I can be than what I have for myself right now.
It's okay that I'm a bit stressed out because of Finals, because I know I've gained a lot of progress from the way I would have seen Finals week a year ago, you know? I'm not going to be mad at myself for showing that I'm stressed. I'm just going to trust that I will learn how to handle things with the best attitude and outlook.
Today I felt like a jerk to people. What is in my heart may not come out as mean when I speak, but it matters that I see my heart still needs work. I'm thankful God knows what it looks like and still loves me the way I am. It still hurts though, not knowing how long it will be until I won't be so irritable towards people. I choose to focus on positive things about people, like my friend Hannah tells me she does.
I will praise God now, praise Him tomorrow while I'm taking my Spanish test, while I'm researching for my Math project, and while I'm working on my two take home Math finals. He deserves it and I will try to take joy in that rather than worrying about stuff. But it's just as difficult for me to not worry about upcoming and possible conversations with people. Why am I making it so hard and being so analytical? Hehe, that's the way I am, that's why. When I write this, I realize I need to focus on the good things of life, even though it seems stupid at first, I refuse to give in to negativity and complaint. I'm wanting change, God, but when will it come and am I seeking hard enough after it? Please show me how to rest in knowing it will come.
Something tells me I did fine, but my natural tendency is to say that I did an awful job of being a witness. Then I have to believe that with time, I will overcome the tendency to think I'm not standing up to some high expectations. I felt attacked today. I felt like I wasn't praying enough, like a failure for not living in the moment, and just not loving. I'm tired of having such high expectations of myself, but I'm afraid of letting go of them for fear of not seeking after God! And yet God probably has better motivations for me to be the best I can be than what I have for myself right now.
It's okay that I'm a bit stressed out because of Finals, because I know I've gained a lot of progress from the way I would have seen Finals week a year ago, you know? I'm not going to be mad at myself for showing that I'm stressed. I'm just going to trust that I will learn how to handle things with the best attitude and outlook.
Today I felt like a jerk to people. What is in my heart may not come out as mean when I speak, but it matters that I see my heart still needs work. I'm thankful God knows what it looks like and still loves me the way I am. It still hurts though, not knowing how long it will be until I won't be so irritable towards people. I choose to focus on positive things about people, like my friend Hannah tells me she does.
I will praise God now, praise Him tomorrow while I'm taking my Spanish test, while I'm researching for my Math project, and while I'm working on my two take home Math finals. He deserves it and I will try to take joy in that rather than worrying about stuff. But it's just as difficult for me to not worry about upcoming and possible conversations with people. Why am I making it so hard and being so analytical? Hehe, that's the way I am, that's why. When I write this, I realize I need to focus on the good things of life, even though it seems stupid at first, I refuse to give in to negativity and complaint. I'm wanting change, God, but when will it come and am I seeking hard enough after it? Please show me how to rest in knowing it will come.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Some of what is on my mind
It's apparently been two months since I have written. Part of me feels guilty, but then part of me remembers that it's hard to know what to put here or to just write it in my journal, because I don't know what's too personal.
I was about to post in November, but I never did. Deleted it is.
Here I am eating peanut butter and saltines...for some reason I just haven't gotten tired of those yet. I buy too much food, and just tonight at Bible study, I confessed to buying more food than I probably need and not being in search of what I can do to give to those who don't have much at all. At the same time I would love to help those in need, my flesh wants to be afraid of not nourishing my body and resorting to buying ramen noodles and peanut butter with stuff other than peanuts and salt in it. But it's that fear that I want to give up to God, knowing that He knows how I can stay healthy yet buy less food, blessing others instead. It's an irrational fear.
My family and I are going to Arkansas for Christmas and this makes me pretty happy. I haven't seen a few of these people in quite a long time, especially the ones that live in Iowa. I'm happy that my mom is happy, too, to get to see all four of her siblings along with my grandparents. And then I will be staying until December 31st and going that day to New Life Ranch for Live Out Loud through Spirit and Truth International until January 3rd. It is hard to be excited when I really don't know what to expect, except for what Hannah has told me. I guess I'm trying not get my hopes up, but why shouldn't I hope for the best? Honestly, God's going to be there and it will be centered on knowing Him more so there is reason to be expectant!
I told my mom that I have been trying to stay excited for my birthday, yet I think "it's just another day" because I don't want to get all excited and then be disappointed. But I know I will have a great day if I choose to have a great day, you know? And there's something fun about turning 21, even though I won't be celebrating it the same way a lot of people do.
I am trying so hard to be optimistic because I HATE being pessimistic. It not only brings myself down, but others around me because they can't see that maybe it's possible to look at the bright side of things more often than not. I choose to optimistic and joyful!
I have a friend who once told me, "If I feel rebellious, I will rebel against Satan, not against God". I will always remember that.
I realized that I am willing to pay hundreds of dollars to go to a gathering of Christians, yet I am not willing to pay that money to go see someone in Nevada who I dearly miss talking to and haven't seen in two years. I want to see her so I'm praying that there will be that opportunity and I'll take it. I can't go this break because I'm working the two weeks I will be in Carlsbad, but maybe during Spring Break.
I had a good Thanksgiving break and learned even more about doing my homework now rather than later. And taking fewer trips to grocery shop and not to judge people for watching so much TV (even though I despise it). I am so thankful for healthy feet and ankles. I'm waiting for mine to heal from winter hurts and half-marathon sores. I miss walking a lot...even being out in the cold at 7:30 in the morning with shorts on...haha. It is already Wednesday tomorow...every day is good, but I'm still looking forward to the end of next week!
I was about to post in November, but I never did. Deleted it is.
Here I am eating peanut butter and saltines...for some reason I just haven't gotten tired of those yet. I buy too much food, and just tonight at Bible study, I confessed to buying more food than I probably need and not being in search of what I can do to give to those who don't have much at all. At the same time I would love to help those in need, my flesh wants to be afraid of not nourishing my body and resorting to buying ramen noodles and peanut butter with stuff other than peanuts and salt in it. But it's that fear that I want to give up to God, knowing that He knows how I can stay healthy yet buy less food, blessing others instead. It's an irrational fear.
My family and I are going to Arkansas for Christmas and this makes me pretty happy. I haven't seen a few of these people in quite a long time, especially the ones that live in Iowa. I'm happy that my mom is happy, too, to get to see all four of her siblings along with my grandparents. And then I will be staying until December 31st and going that day to New Life Ranch for Live Out Loud through Spirit and Truth International until January 3rd. It is hard to be excited when I really don't know what to expect, except for what Hannah has told me. I guess I'm trying not get my hopes up, but why shouldn't I hope for the best? Honestly, God's going to be there and it will be centered on knowing Him more so there is reason to be expectant!
I told my mom that I have been trying to stay excited for my birthday, yet I think "it's just another day" because I don't want to get all excited and then be disappointed. But I know I will have a great day if I choose to have a great day, you know? And there's something fun about turning 21, even though I won't be celebrating it the same way a lot of people do.
I am trying so hard to be optimistic because I HATE being pessimistic. It not only brings myself down, but others around me because they can't see that maybe it's possible to look at the bright side of things more often than not. I choose to optimistic and joyful!
I have a friend who once told me, "If I feel rebellious, I will rebel against Satan, not against God". I will always remember that.
I realized that I am willing to pay hundreds of dollars to go to a gathering of Christians, yet I am not willing to pay that money to go see someone in Nevada who I dearly miss talking to and haven't seen in two years. I want to see her so I'm praying that there will be that opportunity and I'll take it. I can't go this break because I'm working the two weeks I will be in Carlsbad, but maybe during Spring Break.
I had a good Thanksgiving break and learned even more about doing my homework now rather than later. And taking fewer trips to grocery shop and not to judge people for watching so much TV (even though I despise it). I am so thankful for healthy feet and ankles. I'm waiting for mine to heal from winter hurts and half-marathon sores. I miss walking a lot...even being out in the cold at 7:30 in the morning with shorts on...haha. It is already Wednesday tomorow...every day is good, but I'm still looking forward to the end of next week!
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