An occasional piece of my life

One more week

2010-06-10T13:58:00.002-06:00

Yep, there's one more week until I leave for Virginia.

Many have told me I'll be lonely at first, but I will try my best not to become isolated. I have set out to join a church and spend time with people my age that I meet there. I have a tendency to isolate myself, though, and can overcome the temptation with Christ's strength and wisdom. I used to throw pity parties for myself when I was younger (on two or more occassions at my birthday parties), but ever since I came to know the Lord on a more intimate level, I don't do that hardly ever. Pity parties were for the young Gail who only thought about herself, not for the Gail who knew she was loved A LOT by the One who's opinion matters the most. Even if I don't have close friends for a while in VA, I still have Jesus and I want that to be enough. But why doesn't it seem like enough for me to know the Lord at times. I feel bad for saying it, but I sometimes feel like I am unsatisfied with simply knowing my God loves me so much. That's just the thing...I "feel" unsatisfied, so I don't know what the truth is about where my heart's at. My feelings make me question what's true.

And I feel like a traitor for hardly ever pushing myself to do things I don't want to do. When I just do what I want to do, it seems I am happier and less stressed out. Yet then I lack the motivation to do much for other people, it seems. Or if I do actually want to spend time with God, it sounds so good that, like dessert, I save it for last. But then at the last of the day I'm tired and decide to go to bed instead. Will you help me have discipline, Lord, where I need it? I'm confused and scared of what's to come, if I am in this dry land only after 4 weeks out of college. But plenty of people are out of college and still have a close relationship with the Lord, so that gives me hope. Like my cousin and a few others were telling me, I'll find out plenty of things about myself.

I don't want to do things out of fear. But I don't want to do things only when I FEEL like doing them. I am really glad I forced myself to do humanitarian acts and visit my neighbors when I didn't feel like it, but I did it many times out of fear and worry, not out of love. So when I choose not to do things out of fear, my heart looks ugly to me in its desires for laziness, selfishness, and greed. But even though my heart looks ugly to me, God sees that sin, too, and yet I hear Him saying "Your forgiven, my daughter; move on because I have and I'm going to mold your heart to look more like my Son's". And I simply have to trust that He means what he says! Oh that's so good to hear.

I also want to have feelings and praise God in the good and bad, not just shove feelings to the side due to other peoples' stories of how they went down the wrong road because of those feelings. I need to learn how to live in His grace and I trust that I will, in time. I won't set aside His grace. Thank you, Holly Hoppe, for giving me that book by C.J. Mahaney "Living a Cross-Centered Life" :).

Virginia

2010-05-09T21:32:00.003-06:00

The church service today was moving. Mrs. Jones gave me kleenex for a good reason...haha. Along with pastor Dale's sermon on being involved with kids' lives, there was a skit that Erica and some students did and it was bothersome. Bothersome in a way that I really wanted Erica's "attackers" - money, drinking, boys, good looks, and suicide - to just quit keeping her from experiencing the love she first found in Jesus Christ.
Oh man, did it resonate with my heart when Jesus (dressed in a white robe with a purple sash) came to her rescue, standing between all of the grasping attackers and her. That act brought light and joy...a huge smile...to her face! I wish I could say I knew exactly what happened after that, but I was overwhelmed enough by the saving act to take the kleenex out and only see that she got to walk off the stage with Jesus.
I had a hard time not crying this morning at church because it was my last service there for who-knows-how-long and lots of "little" worries kept popping up about family, moving, friends, and my future relationship with God and others.
I'm graduated, though! I don't think it will feel official until I get my actual diploma...I think it comes in the mail but I don't know. I drove home today, realizing it would be a while before I have to make that trip ever again. No more dorm room! An apartment with a kitchen sounds good! Yes, I know I have to clean the kitchen, but that will be worth not having to limit myself to the same microwaveable ingredients and I'll be able to cook things for people. More than likely bake things.
I cried easily today because I was thinking about all of the changes I'll be encountering and so many things that I have set aside in my mind due to my desire to finish classes well. Now it's different and I'm in an unknown area of life when it comes to living without being graded. No wonder, I was in graded-living for 16 years or so. It's exciting, but it will be a challenge for me. I feel like I am unprepared for a lot of things:

My doctor's appointments this week. Hearing and otherwise. I won't be surprised if I have waited too long to get help with my hearing aids. I really don't understand why I don't use my hearing aids like I should and like I know would benefit me. I think it's because sometimes they help, sometimes they don't, but mostly because I think of the soreness they cause the inside of my ears. I could probably get used to that, I suppose. I need to suck up my pride and go talk to my audiologist.
My trip to Germany (I get to live with two girls and their family for 10 days starting May 17th!). I don't have things planned out specifically, and I don't know how much to plan out and how much I should just let go and fly by the seat of my pants while I'm there.
My trip to Arkansas with my family at the beginning of June. I would love to get to know my family better during this time, to take advantage of it.
And last but not least, my trip up to Virginia. I need to get paperwork filled out and therefore a date set for the exact day I am leaving Carlsbad. Also, I can make the trip up there by myself, but I think it would be fun to have someone come with me. That person is an unknown right now, but I can't expect whoever it is to randomly ask me if I would like company...I probably need to ask others if they have a few days off in the middle of June.

One more thing. It is hard for me to read the Bible when I want to. I don't understand why, but I don't have to. There is so much wealth and goodness in the Word, but I hesitate so often to read it, based on not knowing if I will interpret what I read correctly. But that's where the Holy Spirit helps, no? I would like to ask Him just to help me see and understand the truth in what I read, as well as incorporate it into my life, no matter how long it takes. The Bible is sweet to me, but better than sugar because it doesn't leave my teeth with a gritty-feeling. It's after-effects on my mind and my life are good, unlike the after-taste of chocolate or food. I want it, so I would like to take much more of it in and trust God to help me hear and believe the truth in it!

I'm slightly scared

2010-03-07T14:04:00.003-07:00

I feel out of place and like a jerk for not keeping people up to date better on my life, but I've come to learn that not everyone needs to know most of the details of my life. Who said all of your friends should know everything about you at any given time? No one, but I put that burden on myself and I want out of that.
I have only to graduate and then I'll be heading out to either Virginia or some other place unknown. It is exciting, but I am having a hard time concentrating on what I'm here in classes right now for. I get this idea that since every senior I've ever talked to says that they just want to have fun this last semester and so they just don't care as much about their classes, that I should give into that, too.
I don't agree with that, because so far it has only stressed me out more. I am here to learn, but I still don't understand where having fun comes into the picture when my major is looked upon as something to loath. I don't hate Math, it's just that I don't love it. Which aggravates me because I've been spending 4 years learning this subject. So was the time wasted? I don't think God wastes anything, but it's so hard for me to see that right now. How does God do it, or is it true that He doesn't let anything I do go to waste?

A picture from about 3 weeks ago :)

2009-12-15T22:38:00.004-07:00

So, here's a picture, finally...sorry it took me so long to get it up but I'm still such a procrastinator, even if I do believe I'm getting better :P. And here's another one of the back of my hair. My mom took this one without me knowing...

I'm actually enjoying my break so far...I'm reading a book that Mandy has leant me called "A Perfect Love" and even the first two chapters have been enough to meditate on today. It is hard for me to believe that God loves me as much as He does, but I'd rather learn to except His love than to keep on living in guilt and in dependence on everones' display of love. Not that we can't receive love from other people, but sometimes (a lot), people (including myself) don't show love very well at all, even when we do love someone. God's love is the only kind of love that doesn't fail, thank goodness and I'll be learning that throughout life, not just once, haha.

My birthday was good. It was a little tough coming upon it because I honestly don't like the fact that I've always thought that birthdays are all about me so if I wasn't showered with attention or good enough gifts from the right people, then my birthday was not that great. But they don't have to be like that, I realized, and I had a better time knowing that I didn't have to make myself the center of attention all day.

I got to make waffles and eat them with peanut butter and real maple syrup (which sadly disappears faster from the bottle than the cheap stuff).

Then my mom made minestrone soup (we both agreed on spinach instead of kale; my mom's reasoning that kale is too tough and mine being that the only time I've seen the stuff is when I put it up to decorate Cafe West while working at Sea World in San Diego, :P). The soup was really good, eaten with somewhat stale ciabatta slices dipped in it.

I also got to talk to my sister, Allison, and it made me happy that she called me to say happy birthday! Oh, and my mom (she's been cooking a lot lately) made strawberry shortcake for dessert which was quite yummy. Now I just wish I had taken pictures on my birthday.

I am very grateful that I didn't get hurt more than I did yesterday when I fell backward onto the middle of the street about a half-mile from where I live. I was walking Whitey (my mom's dog) and he didn't like the dogs we walked by. So he decided to cross the street, me not quite ready yet. I immediately imagined someone seeing that happen and how it must have looked...and then laughed. I was glad Whitey didn't run off...my mom has done a good job of training that dog. Well, I'm tired. Good night :)

Diversity...a word I like

2009-11-15T17:05:00.006-07:00

It's kind of funny to me how it's November and we have weather that to others (myself included) is quite warm. I like it that way because I get cold so easily. Mmmm...I'm thankful for Fall colors and the weather Fall brings.

Who knew that every year brings new revelations about yourself and about how the world really works? I feel like I'm going through now what most people went through during their teenage years. At least, emotionally and relationally. But it's good to remember that everyone is different and I've always been "behind" people developmentally in certain areas. God made me that way, though, and so that brings me peace! Haha, I always use the example of how my adult teeth would always come in later than most of the kids and I used to be jealous in elementary. Diversity is great and comparison to others can be detrimental to growth if you let it. That's my opinion and I find myself comparing constantly, not that it's always a good thing or always a bad thing.

I still haven't sent out thank you letters to people for my trip to Mexico City :S. I've got everything near-ready, but I guess it isn't as big of a priority as others things this semester. I could be better at a lot of things, but I've gotten tired of putting myself down for not doing everything on my list (which is nonexistent at the time).

I got my hair cut. Really short. I like it and I like people's reactions, haha! If anything, I would like to do something fun similar to that often, just to surprise people. It's definitely quicker to wash. I talked to my mom prior to doing it and was thinking about not doing it because I was afraid I would be doing it for the "wrong" reason - to look older (so I might care too much about what others think about me). But really, I doubt myself too much. I am blessed with the money to do it, I hadn't gotten my hair cut in 6 months and I just felt like changing it up. And is there really anything wrong about wanting to look older than 15? Haha, I don't know if I do now, but I enjoy it the way it is. And I like the fact that it's a lot like a boy's haircut...I think I'll go shorter on top the next time! Sorry I don't have any pictures yet, hehe.

It's getting to the time where I am thinking a lot about what I'm going to do after I graduate. I'm considering Teach for America, I'm going to look for places to apply here in Las Cruces and other places in New Mexico (maybe in other states, but I'm not so much a fan of that). I also would really like to go on a mission trip because I've never been on one overseas and I would love to share the gospel through building relationships and doing service work. I sometimes feel bad for getting "worn out" earlier than others if it comes to physical labor, but I still like building things.

I'm also glad I get to go to Los Alamos for Thanksgiving and I get to see some family members! The break is looking wonderful, but I will enjoy every day until then :) Why is it so hard for me to be happy for others or for myself when good things happen...even when there's beautiful weather? I've got a lot of questions that run through my head lately without ever being answered. I also have a lot more to say, but I'll end this entry here. (To be continued....at least, I'll try to :P )

Since I have the time...

2009-09-11T18:59:00.004-06:00

Maybe I don't post so often as I'd like to because I automatically think that not many people will want to read the ramblings I end up putting on here. There's been a few times where I start typing and it comes out extremely long. Then I delete it all, realizing that maybe no one should read it. It's difficult to know what to put on a blog and what not to. Sometimes it's just better to talk to people I live close to.

School started and I'm back in a place where it's even more enjoyable. I like learning, not just about math or how to defend myself in violent situations (I'm taking a self defense class which I think is quite a different perspective on life), but I also like learning about who I am and who others are.
I am not living with Apryl because she wasn't able to make it to NMSU again this semester. I hope to see her at NMSU next semester. She always says something about Las Cruces every time I talk to her. Which reminds me that I want to call her. But, I have a roommate of a whole two weeks, Paola, who is from the very south of Mexico (which she is very fond of) and she's beautiful, personality-wise and in the looks...haha, that may sound strange, but I believe it. She needs to hear it more often, I think. It's not as difficult as I thought it would be to live with someone I've never met before. I just ask for prayer that I might learn how to put her before myself, in the cleaning and in the conversations.

Classes are even going well. I don't like how much I talked about my fear of abstract math in the past because it really isn't that bad so far. I praise God that I have a teacher who is going through it systematically and explaining things well. He's a Canadian...I like all of the Canadians I've met so far...they're so interesting and have a good dispositions, I guess you could say. I don't intend to stereotype. One of my closest friends, Hannah, is getting married to a Canadian in May, so that's exciting!

I went to Indiana this past weekend (never paid so much for a trip in my life and I hope I never have to for that distance!), but I'm thinking it was worth it. I'm not going to try to be the mathematician and compare money to spiritual growth. So instead I'm trusting that experience with those wonderful people was well worth it. I got to see a great example of the body of Christ and was very encouraged and I realized even more so how important it is that I talk to others about the gospel. After 21 years, I still stink at it, but it's becoming clearer and life is so much more meaningful! The meeting was focused on our individual ministries and the entire weekend was biblically based, full of prayer, praise, and a beautiful setting (Indiana reminded me of Oklahoma but with more clouds and trees). The bugs make a lot more noise there, haha.

I just finished taking a "gifts" (Based on Romans 12:6-8) test today (finally) and I was excited when the last one on there was "compassions person", or as someone at the conference put it "mercifier". I found myself relating positively to most of those questions while the others (perceiver, server, teacher, leader, giver, and exhorter) I partially related to, with teacher being the next highest. It's good to know these things because now I can discover how I might show mercy better (among other things).

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in porportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully."

I'll try to update more often and not care so much about what others might or might not read. I like reading other people's updates and so I figure someone might like reading mine :P. I just realized I have to read a lot this weekend and finally write thank you notes for people who supported me on the Mexico City trip! I made a list of "Things I Will Do Before I Do Anything Else" this morning. Seriously, they're not going to kill me. If anything, it will make others' lives better.

Now as for planning for what to do after graduation, that's still creeping up on me ever so quickly :).

Not too much longer until a change of pace!

2009-07-21T20:45:00.003-06:00

I think I do need to go back to Las Cruces soon and God is blessing me with two weeks away from the house in between now and when I move back. One week in Las Vegas, NV and one week in Mexico City, Mexico. I am excited for both, in different ways, but expecting big things from God in both trips.

I keep realizing that I have a lot to learn and I'll be learning my whole life, so I can't be afraid to make mistakes. I'd rather try new things than continue to live in monotony, spending most of my time in the house or in my dorm room.

I'm going to Las Vegas to visit my friend who I have not seen in 2 1/2 years (since I was her bridesmaid in Oklahoma). Please pray that I would be at rest in God, following his leadings through the Holy Spirit while I'm there, that I would be a representation of Christ's love and that I would take steps of faith while I'm there! I'm leaving the 23rd by plane and flying back the 30th.

I wish I could talk more about what's been on my mind: a lot with respect to my family, but I feel that would be gossip. I'm tired of not talking to anyone about it, not talking about my problems, because the people I would talk to face-to-face here in town know my family. I feel I need a fresh new perspective on what's going on, because all I see is a strong dislike from a family member, confusion on my part about how to respond in a godly manner, and not enough trust in how God is working in this situation. It's as if I think I've got things figured out while I know that I don't. I haven't been spending as much time with God as usual, but I will try not to let that pattern continue because that's just asking for more confusion. Not spending time with God (listening and talking and reading the Bible) just robs me of time with Him and vice versa.

This summer has been great and full of lots of different life lessons, good times, and trials. My daisy is long gone, though, turning out to be some kind of bean plant that I decided to let die :S. I like the heat of the summer, as long as I'm not getting sunburnt :). It was funny today, because 90 degrees felt pretty good while I was walking the dog and I know some people would say that's pretty hot.

Random: my sister bought some Zingers (which I've never had before but I'm sure I've had something similar to them) and she's a vegetarian (who will still eat eggs and seafood so that doesn't make sense to me). But I don't think Cara knows there could be beef fat in her Zingers. I wonder what she would do if I told her that?

Summer = Something different

2009-05-14T19:23:00.009-06:00

I'm not working this summer. I had a hard time figuring out if I should or not, but I decided not to and it's hard not to think I'm disappointing God or being a bad example to others by doing so. I don't understand why I think I HAVE to work. I do tend to enjoy life more, I guess you could say, if I am working or going to school and have results/proof that I did something.

But what does it mean to be pleasing to God? Does it mean working? For some reason part of me really wants to "test the boundaries" of what it means to live for Christ, live in His grace. And right now I still feel I am somewhat of an appendix in the body of Christ because I'm not working and I still don't know how to pray diligently for others although I have a desire to do so, to make an impact in others' lives. It's interesting though, because as one prays for someone else, s/he may never see the results...which as I said earlier I am prone to seek. So prayer is more of a joy and a desire for me than they used to be, knowing that what prayers I do give up to Him are from the heart and they're honest. Wow, Isaiah 58 relates well to how I feel at times. Religious pretense, just doing what I normally do, knowing the whole time that it's not what is best, that I'm not drawing closer to God, but instead confusing myself. It's good to take the time to breath and rest to listen, not rush the time I spend with Him.

I have a daisy, and it's still growing after having planted it a month ago :)

This was the confusing stage (at least to me) of its growth.

This was also new to me, how a leaf was coming out of a seed or something (I could be totally wrong about what those light green parts were), and then the "seed" halves eventually fell off.

This is not the latest picture, but it's getting taller and more interesting every other day :P I like taking care of this plant...can you tell it's the first time I've done it?

It wilted in the heat of my parents truck when they came to take some of my room last weekend when finals were over (yay!).

Whatever chocolate I had in my car melted a little and looks funky, but do you think I care? Mmmm, nope. I made whole wheat waffles this morning and I am please to say they worked out pretty well (and they made almost twice as much as the recipe said they would!). I'm going to attempt to cook meals this summer, and so far I've gotten to peel potatoes, heat up some refried beans, and watch my dad skewer and grill shrimp and scallops :)

Cara mentioned "The Jungle" by Upton Sinclair while she was with me in Las Cruces last weekend. And of course I went to Barnes and Noble while we were at the mall (that's where I park every time). I'm not exagerating...did I mention that I really don't like exageration? But, I got the book and it's good so far. I realized how much I dislike fiction, because I'm gullible so I have a hard time reading a realistic fictional book because I'll believe that people's lives are either more messed up than is realistic or are picture-perfect. No thanks!

What to do now is diminish the amount of junk and city of boxes in my room and email people to tell them we're not leaving to Mexico City until July 31st.

A gift for Five people

2009-04-26T07:25:00.007-06:00

I saw this on what, like three, other people's blogs and I like making stuff. A lot of me hesitated to put this up because of different reasons. Partially because I haven't blogged in so long. But I look forward to making people stuff!

The first 5 people to respond to this post will get something made by me! Lucky you!

My choice. For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!

2. What I create will be just for you.

3. It'll be done this year.

4. You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be a story. It may be poetry or an article on properly cleaning your face before a mask. I may sew or paint something. I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!

5. I reserve the right to do something extremely strange. The catch? Oh, the catch is that you must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog. Oh, and be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it!

I'll have time to do it over the summer, that's for sure! I didn't get an internship at WIPP like I had hoped to. I didn't expect to be as upset as I was when I found out, but it didn't take too long to be okay with it. It will be weird not to work this summer. My mom was right when she said recently that I am happier when I have things to attend, work to do, things planned. I have a hard time when it comes to having free time. I really would like to know better how to relax. I'm trusting God to show me.

So instead of work, I'll be going to Mexico City for two weeks from May 12th to May 26th. I'm excited, but I think I'm more afraid of eating or drinking something infected. I have heard stories. But when I realized I was fearing these things, I remembered that I need to give those anxieties up to the Lord since I can only make wise choices and trust that He'll protect me and others as we're there. I mean, really, I believe God wants me to pray for those we'll meet and be joyful about the trip, not in constant fear of the unknown. That's a waste of time and energy.

And I get to go to California to visit one of my sisters, Allison. Anyone who's been around me for a little while lately knows I'm going because I don't fail to mention it, haha. And then I might go to Indiana in July...still need to figure that one out.

The March of Dimes was held yesterday and I was excited to actually turn in support money to them, because I had never asked people for donations before. I mean, in that way and in such short time. 7.5 miles was a good walk to make, whew! I was very happy to run into a friend of mine, Christine, and talk to her the whole walk and make it go by faster. It felt really good to stop walking and to sit down!

Goodness, there's only two weeks of classes left, but I look forward to them, honestly. Hehe, I have to laugh at the subject of the research journal article I'm reading for my Math Bio class...carnivorous snails in NW Tasmania. Who knew there were big carnivorous snails in the world that people have to plan around when harvesting forests? I'm still not sure why they want to protect those rare animals. I've enjoyed the Math Bio class...it made me think and try harder. I'm going to be taking on the two math classes I have been avoiding for so long. Theory and proof classes, here I come. I'm pretty excited to see where I'll be in a year from now.

Back home

2008-12-13T18:07:00.002-07:00

I am glad to be home in Carlsbad and just be able to relax. I have to try to relax, though, but it's not so hard anymore :) I got to go play tennis with my sister, Cara, and I loved seeing her laugh and just be able to goof around with her. And I still am able to run for the ball and hit it to the other side of the net! That felt so good to know I still have it in me to keep my feet moving and I automatically hold the racket right...makes me happy. Hehe...and I still stink at backhands, it's kind of like I can't quite get the ball to match up with my racket. Well, I guess it would be the other way around, wouldn't it?

I want to make waffles for breakfast tomorrow. I looked at recepies and they just sound really good with peanut butter and syrup. Mmmm. I've been eating more sugar than usual lately. But thankfully God keeps reminding me that I can find some way to exercise that won't involve hurting my ankle that much because I miss walking. The weather was beautiful today!

My mom and I are headed to a Christmas pageant at the church tonight. Our breath may smell like salmon because that is exactly what we had for dinner and it was delicious. Am I allowed to be happy about my birthday but not be selfish about it? I believe I can be, it's just kind of hard, but I'm glad God knows my heart better than I do. Oh man, He makes me happy!

Final grades...I think I'll be able to take it if I see a C for both my math classes. I honestly don't think it will be that bad, but I like to prepare myself for the worst. I'm so thankful that I got through this past week with less stress than I could have had!

Oh, Monday

2008-12-08T20:18:00.005-07:00

I don't know what to think right now. My mind wants it to be the end of testing, it keeps going between relaxed and worried and I really don't like it. It's so hard to trust right now that taking my suitemate and her boyfriend to WalMart and Pizza Hut tonight was "good enough" for God. I kept thinking I had to do something or say something that would make the night "good enough" in God's sight. But honestly, I'm not seeing it in the right light.

Something tells me I did fine, but my natural tendency is to say that I did an awful job of being a witness. Then I have to believe that with time, I will overcome the tendency to think I'm not standing up to some high expectations. I felt attacked today. I felt like I wasn't praying enough, like a failure for not living in the moment, and just not loving. I'm tired of having such high expectations of myself, but I'm afraid of letting go of them for fear of not seeking after God! And yet God probably has better motivations for me to be the best I can be than what I have for myself right now.

It's okay that I'm a bit stressed out because of Finals, because I know I've gained a lot of progress from the way I would have seen Finals week a year ago, you know? I'm not going to be mad at myself for showing that I'm stressed. I'm just going to trust that I will learn how to handle things with the best attitude and outlook.

Today I felt like a jerk to people. What is in my heart may not come out as mean when I speak, but it matters that I see my heart still needs work. I'm thankful God knows what it looks like and still loves me the way I am. It still hurts though, not knowing how long it will be until I won't be so irritable towards people. I choose to focus on positive things about people, like my friend Hannah tells me she does.

I will praise God now, praise Him tomorrow while I'm taking my Spanish test, while I'm researching for my Math project, and while I'm working on my two take home Math finals. He deserves it and I will try to take joy in that rather than worrying about stuff. But it's just as difficult for me to not worry about upcoming and possible conversations with people. Why am I making it so hard and being so analytical? Hehe, that's the way I am, that's why. When I write this, I realize I need to focus on the good things of life, even though it seems stupid at first, I refuse to give in to negativity and complaint. I'm wanting change, God, but when will it come and am I seeking hard enough after it? Please show me how to rest in knowing it will come.

Some of what is on my mind

2008-12-02T21:24:00.004-07:00

It's apparently been two months since I have written. Part of me feels guilty, but then part of me remembers that it's hard to know what to put here or to just write it in my journal, because I don't know what's too personal.

I was about to post in November, but I never did. Deleted it is.

Here I am eating peanut butter and saltines...for some reason I just haven't gotten tired of those yet. I buy too much food, and just tonight at Bible study, I confessed to buying more food than I probably need and not being in search of what I can do to give to those who don't have much at all. At the same time I would love to help those in need, my flesh wants to be afraid of not nourishing my body and resorting to buying ramen noodles and peanut butter with stuff other than peanuts and salt in it. But it's that fear that I want to give up to God, knowing that He knows how I can stay healthy yet buy less food, blessing others instead. It's an irrational fear.

My family and I are going to Arkansas for Christmas and this makes me pretty happy. I haven't seen a few of these people in quite a long time, especially the ones that live in Iowa. I'm happy that my mom is happy, too, to get to see all four of her siblings along with my grandparents. And then I will be staying until December 31st and going that day to New Life Ranch for Live Out Loud through Spirit and Truth International until January 3rd. It is hard to be excited when I really don't know what to expect, except for what Hannah has told me. I guess I'm trying not get my hopes up, but why shouldn't I hope for the best? Honestly, God's going to be there and it will be centered on knowing Him more so there is reason to be expectant!

I told my mom that I have been trying to stay excited for my birthday, yet I think "it's just another day" because I don't want to get all excited and then be disappointed. But I know I will have a great day if I choose to have a great day, you know? And there's something fun about turning 21, even though I won't be celebrating it the same way a lot of people do.
I am trying so hard to be optimistic because I HATE being pessimistic. It not only brings myself down, but others around me because they can't see that maybe it's possible to look at the bright side of things more often than not. I choose to optimistic and joyful!

I have a friend who once told me, "If I feel rebellious, I will rebel against Satan, not against God". I will always remember that.

I realized that I am willing to pay hundreds of dollars to go to a gathering of Christians, yet I am not willing to pay that money to go see someone in Nevada who I dearly miss talking to and haven't seen in two years. I want to see her so I'm praying that there will be that opportunity and I'll take it. I can't go this break because I'm working the two weeks I will be in Carlsbad, but maybe during Spring Break.

I had a good Thanksgiving break and learned even more about doing my homework now rather than later. And taking fewer trips to grocery shop and not to judge people for watching so much TV (even though I despise it). I am so thankful for healthy feet and ankles. I'm waiting for mine to heal from winter hurts and half-marathon sores. I miss walking a lot...even being out in the cold at 7:30 in the morning with shorts on...haha. It is already Wednesday tomorow...every day is good, but I'm still looking forward to the end of next week!

Salsa!

2008-10-02T19:27:00.004-06:00

I spilled Pace Picante Chunky Salsa today...redness and glass everywhere next to the back entrance to Monagle. Plastic bags with holes aren't supposed to be used for carrying that break :P. Praise God that I didn't see it as an awful thing that would ruin my whole day...seriously. I thank Him for teaching me to keep my calm in what could be stressful situations. I am also glad I have a bleach pen from two years ago...it helped make my tennis shoes white again :)

My grandparents from Albuquerque will be in town tomorrow as will my sister and possibly my dad. And I'll get to see my two cousins of whom I have only seen once this whole semester...they go to NMSU, too, though. I was about to say that we're just not good communicators in this family of ours, but that can be changed and it should not be my excuse for not communicating better with the family members.

Bible study went well last night...I got a little bit tired of talking about the topic of why we believe what we believe, not having answers, and wondering if everyone else there was interested in the conversation as well. But afterwards, Hannah and I found the verse in 1 Peter that says we should be prepared to give an answer to anyone who asks why we have the hope we have. This kind of woke me up a little and since it's in the Bible, it's a command from God. So we are told to know the reason why we believe in Christ and that He is the only way to live the life we're meant to live. In fact, I'm really looking forward to understanding more about why I live for Christ. So, although I don't like thinking about the questions I have going through my mind, I hope I will learn to ask questions and search for the answers, not just wonder what the answers are. And if anyone reads this, please pray for the guy who brought up a lot of the deep questions about what we believe, because he is searching for truth and I am excited to hear of (or be there for) when he places his faith in Christ!

Avocados are very yummy. So is canned chicken, since I can't possibly, ETHICALLY cook chicken in my dorm. I choose to live in the dorm, so I choose not to have a hot plate. And I've been doing wonderfully without it!
So, I get to walk 5 miles tomorrow morning! Don't know what time I'm getting up, but it'll be before 7:00 when it's actually cold outside. I better get dinner stuff cleaned up before I go to CRU. And dance choreography takes more time than you would think. I hope I didn't park in a non-residential parking lot last night :S...haha. I'm probably not going to be laughing if I did.

Candy Corn and Races

2008-09-29T17:57:00.005-06:00

I don't know why, but I really like candy corn. This is strange, considering it's pure sugar and all I ever buy that's close to being candy is deeply dark chocolate. Like chocolate that has the first ingredient of chocolate, not sugar or anything else. I like the chocolate caramel candy corn that I bought at Target last week "for the Bible study" better...hehe. Someone needs to get the leftovers out of my room because I don't like it sitting there looking yummy all of the time. And I made tapioca for the first time last night. I'm excited, because I had forgotten that I like that stuff, too.

I've been a little bit behind on updating, even though I've thought about it plenty of times. The last fellowship/Bible study went well. The Lord led the time and gave me the words to say...I shared last week on the work God is doing in each of our lives and how to rest and have peace in knowing that. After the fact, I had a hard time not picking out every mistake that I thought I might have made along with what I forgot to say. I tend to do that after every conversation with someone, but thank God, I have gotten better at just trusting that the Holy Spirit will show me my sins...I don't have to go looking for them, in a sense.

I got to see my family over this past weekend. It was fun to drive to El Paso to see my sister Motocross race...she did a good job of riding even when she fell once. Now, I got to see my sister, Allison fly in from CA (she's in the Navy) and I hadn't seen her since last November. That was good to see her and I'll get to see her on Friday before she heads back. It's easier to be around her now that I'm learning not to compare myself to other people, because I always seem to be doing so around her. And now I know I think monster truck rallies are pointless. It's hard to like a sport like motocross racing knowing that there's so much exhaust going everywhere while also wondering if your ear drums are being damaged more and more every time you go to each race. Haha...it was good to get more sleep than usual this weekend...I took some naps.

And Barnes and Noble closes at 7PM on Sundays, just so anyone wants to know if they can go study there at night :P. I should probably get to my books now, come to think of it. I have to say I'm very excited for Vince and Holly and Israel!

Praises to our King!

2008-09-17T21:45:00.004-06:00

Our Bible study went wonderfully! Or at least it seemed like it went smoothly and I pray that those (two girls and a guy) who came left feeling encouraged and their minds renewed in the Word.
Thank you for praying for tonight! Honestly, I was not excited at first, but then when three people showed up, I got a little bit excited. I need to learn how to be excited! Haha...it sounds kind of funny, but it's true. I'm so glad Hannah was excited and she had a lesson planned :). She is so encouraging to me, even if she doesn't mean to be. I know God was behind all of this, which is awesome because then we can't say we did anything amazing, but it was Him and He can do the same (or much greater) next week! Cool.
Now I'm looking forward to High Country Adventure this weekend, but I don't know what to do about the fact that I'm going to be pretty cold there. Eh, it'll be okay.
I am getting quite a bit excited about my sister, Allison, coming down from her California place to visit for a while in a week and a half! And besides that I get to see my other family members...we'll all be together for the first time in about a year. Will the sisters fight? I don't think so.
Thanks again for the prayers! If you can, please pray for next week, too.

A bit of my week

2008-09-12T17:51:00.005-06:00

I wanted to blog earlier on in the week when I lost my keys on Sunday. I wanted prayer, but didn't really ask for it from anyone. I don't know what the point of losing my keys was, but I realized that my money that I've saved up could disappear pretty quickly. That and I really enjoy having a car! Haha...yeah, I'm thankful for spare keys sent from my mom...and I have my new set of keys and a new lock on my door.

Now I'm just a little sad that my keychains are gone because I really liked the one my sister, Cara, made me that had my name on it out of leather...it always reminded me of her. And my San Diego shorts, my "I'm not weird, I'm gifted" keychain. But I really should stop talking about it because I'm good with the fact that they could be gone forever. Talking about it is just making it seem like I'm more upset than I am. Praise God for my spare key that came in the mail yesterday! Because...

I got to take my suitemate and her boyfriend to Taco Bell yesterday...and my suitemate is so funny about that place ... she LOVES Taco Bell and so she got like A LOT of tacos. Especially considering she's shorter and smaller than I am. I enjoy talking to them...please pray for my relationship with the both of them (as well as my other suitemate, Jessica) because I really do not know how to show them that Jesus is all they need, not extra spirits and gods to pray to. They came to CRU and they enjoyed it and want to come to HCA but they are hesitant on the "budget" side of things.

Thursday was a long, interesting, day. It started out feeling really strange but that stopped when I got far enough into my Dance Aerobics class...we ran across the room I don't know how many times...whew! That's when you learn that you really can push yourself farther than you think when it comes to exercise. And actually, that concept has drifted into my homework, too! I will try not to do my homework in my room anymore because I realized I can get so much more done in Zuhl, where my bed is NOT and my computer and other books are NOT. The rest of my Thursday was me dealing with being awkward and just leaving things up to God.

I feel overwhelmed with the thought of how much homework I have to do and all of the people I need/want to call this weekend. I let it all pile up, so now I'm not sure where to start. I guess I should just start with something and know that God will show me what to do next.

I wanted to put this picture in here, because I think it's funny and I love my friends who did it to me. :P

I believe the year is '96 or '98. Thanks to Holli Pope...gosh.

So anyways, I'm going to get off of here and sometime today I'm going to go on a 4 mile walk. I'm going to start training for the half-marathon at the end of October. I just don't know where to walk so that I don't have to be around traffic the entire time. Maybe I'll just use the treadmill if all else fails.

Chocolate and conversations

2008-09-06T21:36:00.005-06:00

I have yet to ask my suitemates if they would like to go eat out sometime and I think it's affecting me more than I thought it would. I have to trust that the time with them will be blessed.

I had a Starbucks Vivanno chocolate banana smoothie last night because I didn't eat a whole lot of dinner and I needed something sweet but somewhat healthy. And oh my goodness, that thing was wonderful for the time being! Good stuff. And I used a giftcard for it, so I didn't even have to spend money on it! Praise Jesus for college-age church gifts :)

It was fun watching people slip and slide today...I don't like those things, but people were funny to watch. Oh, and spending time with a friend from CRU at International Delights today was a blessing. Gyros are greasy and hummus with pita bread is yummy. And I want their desserts and some dark chocolate.

I bought the book, "Changes that Heal", (with yet another gift card...I make me gift cards last a long time and I'm glad these don't expire...I've seriously had the one I just used for about a year and a half). I still need to finish another book that I am about 10 pages from finishing. I do the same thing my mom does, start one book, and then get others and start those and maybe finish them, and then get some more on top of those, etc. I don't beat myself up about it anymore though, because if I don't finish a book or never read one that I've wanted to read, it won't be a loss to me after I die. Yay for eternal perspective!

My friend, Hannah, and I are planning on starting a Bible study soon, and we got together yesterday to pray about it and just catch up on how things are going in our lives. It was a great time and since she was so excited, I got pretty excited, too. I guess I had been doubting that it would be followed through for some reason. Probably because I don't know what to expect with this Bible study and the unkown factors in all sorts of areas intrigues me because I get to see what God will do. Yet at the same time, I feel like backing away for fear of not inputting every idea I have and possibly discarding some of my ideas, whether small or big, for various reasons. I do realize that because Hannah and I are doing something for God's kingdom, we will be attacked, and we will be ready and fight back as we give it all to God. I need to ask for prayer for both me and Hannah. It seems like it isn't real because we haven't started yet, but I know once we start, I just want to give it all to God, not worry about it, remembering that I'm not the source of the goodness that will come from the fellowship time. And it's really funny thinking that both Hannah and I don't even remember how we met...just sometime during freshman year. I love it :)

Thursday, I met a guy, Ben, in the library, and it was cool to just chat. I enjoy asking questions that make people think, because I like it when people ask me questions that make me think....well, the questions that make me see the truth in something that I had never seen before. I also started out this Thursday with a great conversation during my walking class at 7:30 AM (feels great outside!) with a new friend of mine, we'll call her Lynn. And praise God for His changes in me, because I like that without even trying hard, I brought in the topic of church and it just went off of that. I asked her questions, listened to her, and I really liked it when she said "I haven't thought about this stuff in a long time"...and I would not have had that conversation and enjoyed it had it been for the peace the Lord gave me and the patience He has taught me to have. I just hope and I will trust that God will continue to work in our relationship. She's also in my another PE class I have, but you don't have much time at all to speak words in that class...always moving and remembering to breathe! It feels good to breathe, hehe.

Whoa, I need to get to sleep. This brings back memories of being on the computer too long...haha.

The beginning of blogs

2008-09-01T09:56:00.003-06:00

I used to have a blog somewhere else quite a few years ago and I quit for various reasons. It's probably out there floating around somewhere...haha.
Now that I don't see things the same way anymore, I felt like I should start up a new blog and know that I don't have to update every day, state every detail of the day (like what time I got up, what I ate for a snack, etc.) and then feel stupid for doing so.
I'm really glad there are no classes today, but that also means I have failed to do much homework the past two days. I'm going to go enjoy doing my math. Don't think I'm being sarcastic...once I start my math, an hour and a half has gone by without me noticing and my frustration level hasn't gone up terribly much. :) Well, I can't say that at the present because my math classes are getting to me a bit since I haven't gone to my professor to understand the materials (it would really help me, but it's always been a difficulty for some reason to go and get help from someone else). I can't make it through this year or next year without asking for help...professors are there to help, or at least they should be. I'm thankful I learned my lesson last year in my first 400 level class and not this year, with two of them!
Praise God for the peace and joy that our Savior died for us to have through trusting in Him.